My Immortal : The Commentary (and unbelievable butchery of English)
by Sn0wfall Reaper
Summary: Ah,My Immortal,the story of complete abuse of the English language,what a sad and horrifying fan fiction. Join me as I explore this dark cavern of horrible OOCness and Mary Sue overdoses with complete humorous, anguish and snarky comments from the deepest part of my judgement of fan fiction. (And hopefully survive this experience in one,sane piece)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello,folks ! Fall here,and today is the day I burn what's left of my brain...or left brain,to say the least. With no regards to my safety (and remaining sanity) Everything belongs to their respective owners,which includes me and my opinions**

 **Let's begin !**

 ** _-Chapters 1 to 3-_**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **No,but now I know** ! 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **At least leave out the 'ew'** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **She didn't NEARLY help you** **enough** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **Wtf ?! Which Justin are we talking about ? Timber lake ? Beiber ? I'll assume JB** MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Wait... You had hair right when you just got out of your mother's womb ? Never mind, I'll just compliment your parents in** ** _creatively_** **naming you.** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **As in clear ? Dude,you just said 'icey' blue !** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **Not how I imagined it** (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **Totally reading :]** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **Wait,you want him as your brother,so you can eye fuck him ?**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **Wouldn't you be a cannibal then, or something close to one ?**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch **Unfortunately** , and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **SCOTLAND ! IT'S IN FUCKING SCOTLAND !** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **Duh ...** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **Like you haven't mentioned that *eye roll*** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **Wait,pink ?** and black combat boots. **Another question,do you know what a _uniform_ is ? ** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **Don't you have pale skin ?! You'd look paler than the grudge** , black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **I would call it sleet,but since the rain and the snow are there the same time,it's not.** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **Ok ? Good for you ? Fuck you ? I don't even know...**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **Oh dear lord help me...**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Shyly ? SHYLY ?! If I know one thing about Draco,it's that he's never shy (Or your definition of shy,he's more of a tsundere type of shy)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Best fucking ending to a chapter...**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! ***eye twitch***

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **If there's anything she's helping you with,it's not spelling** BTW preps stop flaming ma **exhibit A** story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom **I thought it you guys were in dorms ?** It was snowing and raining again. **Fuck the weather !** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had **From where exactly ? Did you have it in hand while you were asleep ?**. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt **No undies ?** which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **More clothes !** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **again,WTF ?!** , and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **Oh fuck,not another one** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **She must have mad skills to do all that before opening her eyes. It's also sorta creepy...** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **MORE FUCKING CLOTHES ?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME ?!**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Yeah,that's totally not obvious. You shouting in denial just _doesn't_ confirm it**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Wow,way to show you don't like him...**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **How is a MUGGLE band going to a MAGICAL village ?**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **-no comment-**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **Wait,Draco wants to SEE/LISTEN TO a MUGGLE band ? Unbelievable,what did you do to him ?**

I gasped **This is where you'll end it ? Wow,what a _great_ cliffhanger.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK ! **-still has no idea what a prep is-** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **Please tell me that almost all of them are sarcastic.** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **Enough about clothing,please !** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **Is that even possible ?** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **...** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **With all the eyeliner,you might've looked like a raccoon...** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **And you realized this now ?** I drank some human blood **I heard the hospital lost some** so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **I thought it was only the WEASLEY'S who had a flying car ?** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), **so not only ONE,but TWO MUGGLE BANDS are going to Hogsmeade ?** baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Again,WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIM ?! *looks at the reader,ear,types to the reader* Don't answer,it was rhetorical.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **How does it sound depressing when you practically shouted ?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **Real original...** and flew to the place with the concert. **So you flew WITH the concert as well ? Wouldn't it be a hassle for you two since it's ALREADY THERE ?** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **I hope you two crash...or just Ebony.** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **And fell to your deaths** We went to the mosh pit **Still alive ?God damn it !** at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **Those are _some_ lyrics**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Really ? Wow,so he gets jealous easily over considerably _minor_ reasons ? Great _fucking_ job ! You just ruined one of my favorite characters. Here's your _fucking_ award.**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **For the first time,you used your common sense ! Congratulations...for using it at the wrong moment and only using it once.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Here's the sensitivity all over again... That came out wrong.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Like we are with you ^-^**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back **That looks priceless,seeing you two crawl..** into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **I hope to murder you in silence. Then again, where did my hopes ever bring me to in this fic**

 **Ok,folks. That's a wrap ! Tune in for the next chapter as we head into what Tara thinks is _explicit_ and how she changed our professors into...whatever she describes them. See you in guys in the next snow day**

 **-Fall**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello,ice drops,and welcome back to our adventure in this fanfic ! We left off when Draco (?) went to the Forbidden Forest with Lovely(horrible) Ebony. Let's go and see what horrors await us !**

 **Disclaimer : Again,nothing is mine but the opinions and my account.**

- ** _Chapters 4 and 5-_**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Totally different spelling from what you typed earlier...** nut mary su OK! **Yeah,well. I have a hard time believing that :P** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **Too different/Completely OOC** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **What ? I can't understand idiot.**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **I know,he's acting OUT OF FREAKING CHARACTER !**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **Then you two fell to you deaths,the end**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **Again,you two are still alive ?!**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **All I could say is this : WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ?!**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **Ew** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **First off :** **Ew (again) ! Second,I hate you** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **I NEED BRAIN BLEACH,I AM MENTALLY SCARED ! Really though...Put his thingie in my you-know-what ? You could describe clothing SO well,yet not a sex scene,or at least the aftermath ?**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **FUCK,I NEED MORE FREAKING BRAIN BLEACH !** And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **Too much...too much *shiver***

It was….Dumbledore! **Oh..oh you little bitch. Awesome,but still.. You OOC making bitch...**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **I still don't know what those are...** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **That explains _so_ much ... **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **Who wouldn't be ?!** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **I doubt you're getting those...**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. ***grammar spasm* Sorry about that,happens every time I see too many grammatical errors.**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **I'm suprised you even know the word ludicrous ! Even if it's spelt wrong...**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **Wow that is one serious medical condition (no joke)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **Um...who wouldn't ?**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **You do know this happened around the 90s and not the 1930s**

How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Well then... Time to get the axe ready.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Wait,Snape said that ?! SNAPE ?! As in SEVERUS SNAPE ?! Damn,you OOC making bitch !**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **Professors : 1 - Ebony :... Who knows...**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm **Oh now you realize it's supposed to be a dorm...** and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Wait,your wearing heels to bed ?! WTF ?!** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **As much as it's repeated : WTF ?!** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **And here we are back to rooms,what a shame.**

 **Ok so,that's a wrap,my ice drops. Next time,we don't know ! Because I unfortunately forgot the next chapter/s. In the mean time,let's just re-explore all those terrifying locations of OOCness and more self insertations. See you soon and stay warm.**

 **-Fall**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi,ice drops,welcome back to My Immortal : The Commentary '(and butchery of English)'. Last time,our dear professors caught Ebony/Enoby and Draco doing...things *shiver* in the Forbideen Forest.** **At this point,I would like to dive back in the deepest layer of Mary Sues. Remember to review !**

 **Disclaimer : Everything belongs to their respective owners,including my account and my opinions.**

 ** _-Chapters 6-9-_**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Some how,this got even worse,I don't know how,but it did. Who reviewed this positively ? (If not sarcastically)**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **Ughh ! MORE CLOTHES ! And,how do you use spray paint on your hair ? I thought it's colored hair spray ?**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **People must have noticed that.** and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Oh no** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **No !...Wait,did you slide down his face ?** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **NO DON'T TELL ME-** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **YOU DIDN'T-** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **First off,the proper term for what your experiencing is being 'wet'. Second,the sentence you said is all jumbled up and made no sense**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **FUCKING KNEW IT !**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **Not you too,Harry !**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **Is it** ** _not obvious_** **?!** _  
_  
"Yeah." I roared. **Harsh much ?**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **Who in the fucking right mind would give you 5 FLIPPING REVIEWS ?! (Unless it was meant to be sarcastic)** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **What ? All I got was tin and god.** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Oh the irony,what purely twisted yet satisfying IRONY !** Evony isn't a Marie Sue **Ebony,Enoby,and now EVONY ?! What the actual fuck ? You're trying to say that she isn't Mary Sue ? *gasp* I'd like to see that statement backfire on you** ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **Religion has no say in this. Just because she's Satanist,does not mean she goes scott free.** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **Um,not what the last few chapters proved.**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **Do I even need to tell you ?** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **Oh fuck,not another one. These scenes just...guh ! *spasm***

We started frenching passively **Must've been a pretty boring kiss then** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **Incredibly**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **What ? Just vampire ? That could be anyone !**

I was so angry. **I'm assuming something,but...**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **He knows his own father...**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" ***sigh***

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what **No,I don't. I have an assumption though,a really scarring assumption. Why did you mention this again ?** but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! **Tara : Screws up the entire dictionary** if u do de prep! **If I do the prep ? WTF ? You want me to do a prep ? Rude...**

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **You MONSTER ! What the actual fuck ?! You just...GAH !** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **I am so sad** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **Fuck,you just...** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **I am crying right now. You just disgraced one of the strongest females in the entire 'Harry Potter' series. FUCK YOU !**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **She wants to flip off the world with this cruddy fic**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **Uh,assuming much ? I mean,I assume as well,but I keep it to myself most of the time**

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **WOAH ! Isn't it a bit too sudden for a POV switch ? (Thank you for ruining my fan OTP,you bitchy cunt)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **HE JUST SAID THE FUCKING ANSWER ! ASDFGHJKKKHGF**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **Ewewew ! That is disgusting**

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX! **I just can't right now... You have no idea what pain this causes me...**

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **Again,THAT IS FUCKING DISGUTING ! God... At least clean the spot first.**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! **Like it wasn't mentioned *eye roll***

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **And he killed you with a curse**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **You shouted the name of Hermione's cat ? What the actual fuck**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **Yep,we're taking this back to the 1800s**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **I have no fucking clue who Joel Madden is...** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **And you realized this now ? You are so slow...**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **A gun ? I thought he was a wizard Hitler ? He wouldn't use a muggle weapon ! Then again,this is 'My Immortal : The most inaccurate,fucked up,screwed shit pile known to mankind'**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **Hey,we match** "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. ***eye twitch***

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **Nope,nonononono...no. I am fucking done with this shit...**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **...**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out **I could just imagine you two rolling on the ground while making out on the way back to Hogwarts...**

 **Well,ice drops. That was more than enough today. Next chapter,we continue the headaches and the limits of our sanity. It's been fun... Merry belated Christmas and Happy belated New Year !**

 **-Fall**


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